Those of you that have known me personally or listened to any of my time on radio over the last two years have probably heard me talk about the only significant relationship that I have ever been in with ‘the pilot.’
The hardest part about remembering what ought to have been fond memories of a first love become permanently tainted because of something unforgivable that I did to him.
I saw him today at the premiere party place in the world (Gay Days 2011). Up until now we have not seen or spoken to one another since summer 2008.
I got to do something that has weighed on me for a very long time and I got to apologize to him for the shit I put him through after we broke up (I did some pretty horrible things). This was not a situation where an apology mends a wound and you move on to be friends or any of that other Oprah type of bullshit. This was a one time thing. This was me getting to apologize and tell him how much I hope I have grown from who I was when I was that insecure and mean spirited person. At that time in my life I set out to hurt the one that I loved the most.
The last thing I said (and will probably ever say to him again) was for him to check out this site and the radio show at some point. Not because I want to stay in touch with him but because I really WANT him to understand that despite the shame and drudgery that colored my heart after being hurt, I learned and I grew and I am a better person than I was years ago.
I can’t ever regret the good times when we were together and verbally engaged. I will always remember my first time in love along with the feelings of finally feeling comfortable in my own skin and accepting who I am.
As I finish this little blog my stupid emotions make tears well up in my eyes because I am grateful that I got a chance to do what not a lot of people have the opportunity to do: let go of something that was weighing me down for a very long time.
In some way I will always care about him but when you care about someone it sometimes means accepting that you cannot be a part of their life in any way.
I think……..no, I KNOW that this was something unexpected that I needed to have happen.
Maybe I can keep growing to be the best Justice I can be until a new love comes along.
It’s been a long road since Jan. 2007 waiting in line to get back onto a cruise ship……but dammit, I learned a lot and I’ll never forget what you brought into my life.
If you read this, Bubba, I wish you so many good things that you deserve.
(and damn, he still looks so good)